Hold Me Up!

It's early morning, and the house is quiet - it's dark outside, and everyone is still sleeping.  I love this time!  I sit in comfort (please don't let that be an idol!), and I soak in the beautiful truths in Your Word.  I feel like I can walk victoriously through anything.  But last night reminded me again that I cannot!

Not even half of our family is here under one roof, but still there are 11 kids, with eight of them being six and under.  That makes for lots of noise and lots of mess; lots of cooking and lots of dishwashing; lots of crying and lots of "Hey, Mimi...you know what?"  And things are not yet as they should be with my husband, family...  Trying to function in the midst of chaos has always been a challenge for me.  And while I know that I am growing in my walk with You, I still fail so often and so miserably.  Like last night...

My attitude went completely south by the evening hours.  My focus turned inward and it became all about me - "Oh, woe is poor me!"  "No one cares!  No one understands!  No one has it as hard as I do!"  "Am I even a believer?  How can I be and still feel this way??"  "God, why aren't You faster at changing me?  I want to be perfect, as You are perfect!"

In the quiet of the early morning hours I see things so differently.  Last night even my desire for perfection was all about me - so that I wouldn't have to suffer the humiliation of not being seen as perfect!!  So easily I move to worldly sorrow and take my eyes off of You, the Beginner and the Completer of my faith.  So quickly my soul begins to shrivel!

Thank you for Romans 7 this morning!!  "For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate!  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is in my flesh.  For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.  Wretched man that I am!  Who will deliver me from this death?  Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!!!"

Thank you for this prayer verse this morning...  "Hold me up, that I may be safe and have regard for Your statues continually." (Psalm 119:117)  Please do that, Lord!  Thank You for reminding me it IS all about You.  You hold me up!  So that I may be safe - yasa' - open, wide, free!  Not shriveled!!  You support me so that I am free to have regard for Your statutes continually...like "suffer the little children!"  And "prefer one another!"  And "reverence Your husband!"  With Your support I am free to love the 1 Corinthians 13 way - in patience and kindness; without envy or boasting; without insisting on my own way; WITHOUT BEING IRRITABLE OR RESENTFUL!!"  With You holding me up, I can bear all things and endure all things...and count it all joy!!

Lord, only by Your power can this day end differently.  Please let me be singing when the evening comes!  And when I do, let me remember that it is ONLY because YOU hold me up!